Can i not drive my cunt home
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
