Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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