I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
