So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
