My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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