my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
