whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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