she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
FUCK WHALES
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
