my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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