no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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