I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
