my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
