So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
