I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
