Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
