I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize