i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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