I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
