I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
