capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
