I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
