I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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