Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
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