census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
