I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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