Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
