Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
