I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
