Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
