i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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