New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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