it was like his penis was on wheels.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All I want is dick and wine.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
