Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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