i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
