I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
