oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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