I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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