I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
