Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
