she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Pooping to opera.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
