Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Less talking, more tequila
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
