It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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