also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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