I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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