Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
