I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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