And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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