just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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