I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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