If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
