Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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