Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
