You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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