before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
