Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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