Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
