We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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