watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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