I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
