The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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