so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
